Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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