you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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