I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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