sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
