true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
