did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Randomize
