God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Naked Twister starts at high noon
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
