I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
