Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
