atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
