You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
