Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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