I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
