the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
