Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
