You're earring is so big in my mouth
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
