if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
