I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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