I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
