Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
