you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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