im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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