i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
