Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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