On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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