I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
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