Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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