you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize