how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
