yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
