Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
