Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
