I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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