Please, let me fuck your mom
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize