Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
