She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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