I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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