I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
