You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
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