good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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