the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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