I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
