I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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