Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
