i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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