she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
