be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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