Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
