So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
