the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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