dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
