Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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