I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
