the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
