Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize