On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
