It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
