If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
