Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
