I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
