I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
