I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I lost the right to judge tonight
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
