yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
