i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
