at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
