i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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