His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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