oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
